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Monday, June 20, 2011

To love, and to be loved

Sukar untuk ku lafazkan, sukar lagi untukku pendam. Kenyataan yang cuba ku tepis, semakin hari semakin cuba untuk memanggilku, agar kembali ke bumi yang nyata…

Kenyataan yang memohon, merayu agar aku bersedia, akan segala kemungkinan. Tidak berganjak dari pendirian yang telah dilafazkan kepadaku, bilamana aku membuat keputusan untuk memulakan sesuatu yang baru dalam hidupku. Kembali kedalam dakapan dunia yang bergelar, CINTA…

Kesakitan, penyesalan, kegagalan, telah meragut kemampuan aku untuk mempercayai wanita sepenuhnya. Seringkali aku persoalkan setiap perbuatan si dia, setiap tuturnya, setiap geraknya, pergaulannya, perhatiannya, malahan masanya, yang diluangkan sengan sesiapapun, mampu mennggoyahkan kepercayaan ku kepadanya.

Adilkah aku bersikap begini? Tidakkah aku terlalu pentingkan diri? Apakah ini yang dikatakan fobia? Pengalaman hidup yang terlalu pahit untuk ku telan, telah terluah dan mengaburkan pendirianku, serta kemampuan ku untuk berfikir secara waras. Adakah ini yang ku harapkan dalam perhubungan baru ini? Ataupun, aku hanya diperalatkan oleh waktu, atau nasib yang ingin mengajar ku lebih lagi tentang erti sebenar hidup?

There always part of me that believe in her, deeply without any rational reason. Maybe it’s the only part of me that keep this relationship alive. Deep in my heart, I love her so dearly that even logic doesn’t make sense. Its tearing my faith, bringing down my ego, force me to swallow my doubt, and amazingly manage to hurt me so bad until I shred my tears, like a new-born baby. Overall, showing the world how weak I am, and how stupid I can react upon pressure that doesn’t even exist!
What is love really? How do you know you’re actually in love? What is the sign? And most importantly, why?

  • Love can hurt, but it will heal you so you can be hurt again.
  • Love is so beautiful, because we never care about the ugly side of the loosing them.
  • Love is pure, as pure as any hate should be defined.
  • Love is honesty, as long as you know how to keep a secret for yourself.
  • Love is life, just look at how many people kill them self after losing it.
  • Love is DAMN important, people make money by making songs and movies based on it.
  • The power of love is rather unique, get people together, break them apart, and it can make you beg.
  • When you in love, people will celebrate and cheer you up, and never to be blame when it makes you sad, no question, period.
Just how lucky we are to fall in love, but a very unfortunate when we lose them. This is how people think. And for the record, people now days can sell love, in the form of none that I care. How they manage to put a price? It’s totally beyond my capacity to think. Or I rather not to think about it. Too many people think that it is hard to fall in love, but almost none thought about to keep it! Shall I fall in love today, what should I do tomorrow in order to maintain these feeling? Shall I make an oath, what if I broke them without realizing it? Shall I make a mistake, what does it take for me to earn forgiveness and it shall be forgotten? Shall I broke your heart today, can you tell me how can I fix it? Shall I be hurt, will I have the strength to stand and heal myself? Shall we broke-up, should I regret for all the time we spent? Shall I love you today, will you love me back? Shall one day I was busy, to gather the pieces of my dreamt future, will you get bored waiting? Shall I fail and stray too far from your expectation, will you still be by my side? Too many possibilities, too many question is unspoken, shall I not dare to say it, or will you voice it out on my behalf?

Sometimes, your action baffles me with questions that I hate to think about. Yet it pops out like a stupid volcano, hurting my thought like a freaking poisonous gas from an opened refrigerator where you store all your food. Even when I asked, your answer was never clear, and it even comes in package, a complete set of anger and words of frustration, due to my question.

I don’t know when does this happen, but I started to hate giving hope. It always backfires on me. A simple text was sent to you, with mountain of hopes in it, yet a reply that wasn’t even for me. Even when it is for me, it wasn’t a reply, it’s a new set of conversation, leaving my feeling and effort wasted. Will it matter to you if I`m gone? Do you ever put me in consideration before making any decision? Have you ever trust me? I gave you my words and I tend to keep it, but will you do the same for me? To sacrifice over something that you believe, was never a guarantee that you will get what you were fighting for. Test after test, after test will make you qualified with no assurance of being selected.

What should I do when I felt neglected? Who shall answer all these questions? Who would even read all this? Should I tell her how much I missed her, how deeply your name carved inside my heart, the very reason I felt lonely is the very answer to my happiness. When my strength fading, my vision blurring, my thought has gone numb, that’s the very moment I need you, and somehow, I will get scolded, I make you angry with me. I put away your smile, when I actually need it. It’s like you are telling me, how stupid was my condition, telling me that I can go through it by myself. And so I walked on my own, telling myself that you will love me more if I can make it through.

So I believe in the bitterness, I smile upon your words, no matter how disappointed it may sound, for me, you care about me, teaching me how to be strong, and how my tears wouldn’t help me. So you somehow avoided me, leaving me alone, to face my own feeling, where for me, you want me to have enough room to fight me sadness, alone. You never failed to say how you wish this relationship would be, your own space where I doesn’t existed, a speech where I was not spoken, an activity where I was forgotten, and some time, where I wasn’t flowing with, and I understand, I respect it.

It’s been awhile since the last I heard you said you were happy with me. But you kept reminding me, how broken you are, and I know it’s beyond repairable. No matter how much it forcefully tears my heart, I always manage to glue it back, and show you how strong and determined I am to make you happy. I promise that I will fight for it, as long as still accept me, and gave room in your heart, no matter how tiny that room may be seen, I will always for this one thing that you may not realize, my feeling, how I love you, without exception.

My Beloved,
Hazimah Azman

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